(This isn’t a sweet post, but it’s truthful)
me. Angry. Screaming in my pillow, hitting the mattress, crying, breaking down in the car, vegetating on the couch all day.
Isn’t it enough? We are home 36 hrs and have learned duties that only nurses should be doing on our child in efforts to be home more and to provide proper care. We’ve done absolutely everything we can do. But from going home Friday Matt and Des went back Saturday night. For an ever loving fever. A fever! We’ve cleaned, my mom and friends have cleaned, we are not sick people, but it happened. I was so angry I couldn’t take Des to the ER. Matt did the right thing and took good care of him. I had had it. I want us home. I want us well.
Come to find out, chemo, combined with pneumonia and large kidney stones can do high fevers, gagging vomits, and never ending diarrhea. This poor child.
It’s Tuesday now, so he has been back at the hospital for 3 days, fevers are less often, and antibiotics are covering the pneumonia, and a weird med is supposed to help with passing a 4mm stone.
I’m doing better too. I’ve been incredibly honest about these past few days when people ask how we are doing and that helps. The biggest point was explaining to Luke and Solomon that they can’t help me feel better. God can. And He was using their hugs and kisses to help me through. That they were allowing God to use them. And my those kisses. They were sweet. As were the 3 I got from Des today.
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March 4. Thanks Sara for your honesty & documenting Des’ progress. Des and his tribe are not only on our prayer list but in addition I’m pausing during the day to send out specific empathetic prayers for Des. This just seems so unfair. But this is what I do know. Desmond is resilient and is filled with God’s pure love.
Sara, I often feel like this in regards to my mom. She has done everything right, followed every instruction, but the hits keep coming. It makes me so angry and so sad. I have found that when I’m most upset and my chest is tight like I can’t take another breath, I say out loud “God is still good.” He never changes. And He is always good. Sometimes I say it a thousand times it seems like, but after a while, I start to settle down.
I was listening to a song this morning and it was based off of a verse in Psalms. “How long, O Lord, will you forget me?” But then it goes into this “But I trust in Your unfailing love, still my heart will be yours”. Your heart belongs to Jesus, you still trust. He is still good.
That reminds me a lot of David’s full range of emotion throughout the psalms. And he LOVED God. I appreciate the reminder that if it was ok for him, then it’s a-ok for me.
Our dear Sara,
Dave and I understand your anger, and glad you are venting. You and Matt are doing all the right things for Des and the other boys. Everyone is praying for Des, and may God wrap his arms around you and Matt and give you strength through this incredibly hard journey.❤️🙏❤️🙏❤️🙏
Understandable, your emotions run the gambit. I wish I could offer some comforting advice, but I can’t. You’re strong people with a loving supportive family. I’m confident, eventually this crazy nightmare will run its course, and life once again will return to normalcy. Until then, just do your best.